Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.