adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If my kids invented a drink.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.