adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
You Might Also Like
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.