adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
We know he can swim but…
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?