Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.