Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
he chose this
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten