Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.