@amandamull

Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache

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@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@JBwol

Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 of their pups for sale on Facebook.

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@portmanteauface

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

@LurkAtHomeMom

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

@ndiquote

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

@LibelousLurker

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

@iamspacegirl

Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light

@JohnLyonTweets

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.