Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache

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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?


Shout out to my Dad who has accidentally listed 600 seals and 180 of their pups for sale on Facebook.


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.


HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes


One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.


me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING


Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.


Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light


Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.