Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Suuuuure
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.