Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
wtf is a larm clock?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.