Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Anarchy
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Happy thanksgiving!
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.