Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is