Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.