Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.