adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?


My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.


Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*


Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.


TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?


Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive.


“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”


Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?