Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”