Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Van Gone
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue