Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

I wish I were this cool 😂

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: