Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
You Might Also Like
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.