Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I think they could have phrased this better
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate