Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.