Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*