Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Green is just blue that someone peed in

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”