My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint