Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.