Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder