Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence