adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.