adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“what that mouth do?” complain
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Fruity
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”