Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH