Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.