Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.