Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Not even remotely sorry.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.