Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*