Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
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Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
translated into Canadian
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF