Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
A Match(.com), but for socks.