Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

Genius idea!!

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.