Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.