Adultry does not sound fun at all
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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Good morning.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.