Adultry does not sound fun at all
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
just got my engagement photos
