@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

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@Fickle_Filly

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

@underalls

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

@LindaInDisguise

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

@TheHyyyype

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

@EllaZee5

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this