“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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Simple
S M O L
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
i really liked this one
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”