Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink