Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I put the h in mysterious.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
