Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
A friend helps you before you need it
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Come back with a warrant
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
what
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue