Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Uh oh 👀

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Guys which shade of gery should I get

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet