Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.