Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

This has made my week.

fired

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

the composer

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….