Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.