ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER