ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Frankenstein?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.