ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.