Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.