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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure