Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top