Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

This is a whole mood;

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

the battle rages on

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice