Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.