ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
this site is so cooked lol
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.