Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
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Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
When they try to steal your moment.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.