True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.