@kumailn

Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”

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@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

@idigcrazychics

You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.

-subtweet to my GF

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

@Chelsea_Fagan

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

@DirtMcTurd

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”