advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?