@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

You Might Also Like

@Browtweaten

Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?

Me: *dialtone noises*

@ZachXJ

“Two thumbs up!” -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated

@JournalismJunk

The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.

@Marlebean

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

@Steelers1972

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help

@ArfMeasures

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@FeelingEuphoric

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

@Los01001111

Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?