advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

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Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?

Me: *dialtone noises*


“Two thumbs up!” -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated


The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.


Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!


Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.


me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea


me: please send help


[being chased around my house by a murderer]


ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on


WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well


Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?