advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]


When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.


I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.


I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what


If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person


Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.