advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Anyone want a chair?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.