@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

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@Reverend_Scott

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

@Ohgoddessitsme

When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.

@Coastiefish

I was a pizza delivery guy once, but only for a day. They gave me 12 pizzas to deliver and I just never came back.

@colingotjokes

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

@KrazykurtKurt

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@mom_ontherocks

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

@KateWhineHall

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.