Wife: Are you doing what I asked?
Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*
Wife: Did you just text “vacuum noises”?
Me: *dialtone noises*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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“Two thumbs up!” -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated
The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
me: there’s a man in my house
911: what’s he doing
me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time
911: sounds like you’re hosting a party
me: please send help
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?