Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
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Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
figuring out my emotional availability:
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]