Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction