Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably