Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
You Might Also Like
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
ACED my prostate exam!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
remember
only for emergencies
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.