@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

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@ClichedOut

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@offbeatoliv

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@Whitnuts

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no