A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no