Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Oh no
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread