Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
They’re called werewolves.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Perfect
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.