Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment