advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids