advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying