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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
2 years later
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”